10 Misconceptions about Grief

If you head out on a trip to a new location using directions that are wrong, you're not going to arrive where you want and you're likely to feel frustrated or even defeated. The same experience can happen with our journey through grief. Here are a few insights that might help.

Misconception 1: Grief and mourning are the same thing.

Grief is all the internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies. Grief is like a container holding those thoughts and feelings. Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express or process it outside of yourself. It's taking the lid off and sorting through those thoughts and feelings.

Misconception 2: Grief and mourning progress in predictable, orderly stages.

Although many of the thoughts and feelings (grief) or how we process them (mourning) can be similar among different people, they are not experienced in a pattern that is always predictable. Some people experience fear first while others anger or disbelief. The key is to take whatever you are experiencing at the moment and process it appropriately.

Misconception 3: You should move away from grief, not toward it.

Our society tends to avoid difficult/uncomfortable situations. But embracing the challenging journey through grief is the only way to effectively on move with life in a positive way. The loss of a loved one will mean that life is forever different, but whether that "different" is good or bad depends on whether we move through grief or away from it.

Misconception 4: Tears are a sign of weakness.

Many people today, both men and women, have the idea that tears are negative and need to be avoided because "I need to be strong." Shedding tears is NOT a sign of weakness. Expressing our emotions, even through tears, takes courage and is a sign of strength. Crying is just one of the ways our bodies release the pain and hurt of losing a loved one and is very healthy.

Misconception 5: Openly mourning reflects a weakness in our faith.

A wise and faith-filled man named Paul wrote many years ago "we grieve with hope." Having faith our loved one is in a better place and set free from the physical struggles of this life doesn't mean we won't be filled with heartache because we're not with them anymore. As Paul expresses, we can both grieve and have hope.

Misconception 6: Grief only involves the physical loss of the person.

Beyond the physical absence, you also might experience the loss of meaning concerning goals and dreams, a shared faith, the desire to live and experience joy, a sense of security, and the emotional support that came from your relationship. These are important issues in dealing with our grief.

Misconception 7: Avoid thinking of the person who died on special days.

The heartache of missing our loved one on holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays is very common, especially during the first year. Do something to honor their memory as you move on with making new ones. Old and new memories can graciously exist together, so let them.

Misconception 8: The goal of mourning is to "get over" your grief as soon as possible.

I hope you never hear "Are you over it yet?" but if you do, please ignore the comment and accept that the person asking does not understand grief. You don't "get over" grief like you do being sick. With grief, the goal is to reconcile it, which means you work through it and adjust to a way of doing life without your loved one's presence. And this adjusting can take a long time.

Misconception 9: No one can help you deal with your grief.

It is true that no one can do the work of grief for you, but it is entirely possible for them to share your journey in a loving and supportive manner. Sharing your pain with others won't make it disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. "Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it." Ziad K. Abdelnour

Misconception 10: When grief is finally reconciled, it never comes up again.

Like ocean waves, grief will come and go, sometimes knocking you off your feet or causing you to lose your balance. As you journey through grief, it will no longer dominate your life, but it will always be there in the background as a reminder of the love you had for the person no longer with you.

Adapted from materials by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

As you remember your loved one's life, may you experience joy, peace, and healing as your journey continues. And may you have good grief!

Reid Health offers bereavement support groups to help you navigate through the grief process. Learn more about support groups.