New year, old familiar grief

By Rick Alvey, Reid Health Chaplain

Celebrating a new year is one of the most festive times of the year for most people. But if you're going through this time of year for the first time without a loved one then you may be feeling very different than most of the people around you.

Lots of things change with the arrival of a new year. One of those things is not your journey through grief. Some events can be forgotten and left behind when we turn the page of the new year. That's not the case with the heartache of losing someone.

Some people expect that the grief journey can be measured or controlled by time -- they are sadly mistaken. The journey through grief is unique for each of us. There is no "one-size-fits-all" timetable for dealing with it.

"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year - Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip.' I get really angry."

The adage that "time heals all wounds" is only partly true. The intensity of the heartache may lessen over time but it will never fully go away; even if those around us think it should. And it won't magically disappear with the start of a new year.

"Until I get home to heaven," Larry continues, "there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

For as long as we are alive and on this journey of life we will feel the ache of loss. The essential question is not "When will the hurting stop?" because it will never fully go away. The better question to ask is, "Who is in control of the journey, you or the grief?"

What does come with the New Year is the realization that you have made it this far already -- so keep going. No matter where you are on your journey through grief or how long you've been traveling it, you are making progress. You have made it to another new year. Keep moving. Keep going. Keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Whether you feel much like celebrating or not, it is a new year.